Have y’all ever heard this quote by Wayne Dyer, “Don’t die with your music still in you.”? Essentially it’s encouraging us to live authentically and strive to fulfill our true potential. With the “music” being all the unexpressed talents, ideas, and dreams we leave on mute because of fear and what other people expect. Hearing this concept lit a fire in me, making me want to drop and give y’all 50!…or more of the songs I created during my initiation of finding my voice…And when I say “drop,” I mean literally, raw vocals, no mixing, no mastering — Here it is! Take it or leave it.

But then, I let a producer friend take a listen, and he urged me to reconsider. “It’s 100k+ songs being put out daily…Don’t let a lack of production quality be the reason no one gives your music a chance.”

Okay, maybe my production could’ve used a little elbow grease, but I had to muster the audacity to invest in new equipment while I was knee-deep in some serious ish. As I tried to answer God’s call, the sounds of everyday life drowned out this important conversation. With money dwindling and my back against the wall, I won’t lie—my faith was starting to slip too. I thought I had it all figured out when I quit my job, telling myself, “This is either gon work, or it’s gon work.” But tripping over hurdle after hurdle, left me peeling my face off the ground and begging for a timeout.

Sidenote: Remind me to tell y’all how God orchestrated a miracle, where my apartment complex offered to let me go with no eviction and without coughing up that fifteen thousand dollars 😮🙏🏽

Okay back to the story, so after evading that eviction, I went to stay with family to take yet another breather from adulthood, hoping this would be my final lesson in the wilderness. There I was, surrounded by nothing but Mother Earth, in Middle of Nowhere, VA, feeling alone and questioning my whole existence. “Why is my life like this God? Why is it that every step I try to take forward, I end up right back where I started? After making what seemed like a neverending road trip of wrong turns, I found myself cruising right into total darkness.

Isolation has always been a central theme in my storyline. Growing up an only child and “military brat” constantly switching schools while struggling to make friends with extreme social anxiety made it really hard to obtain genuine human connection. At this moment of my journey, it felt like all of that pent-up pain came to a head.

“You have no friends, nobody wants to hang out with the broke, single mom that’s still trying to figure life out in her 30’s“, “You have no man, no one wants to love the girl who said she had Herpes, even if you feel like you’re healed, everyone thinks you made that story up so you’re still unloveable.” “Your kids are with their dad now, and he has more money than you, a house, and more support…they don’t need you, all you do is baby them anyway. They’ll be better off without you.” “Your cat just ran away, he couldn’t bare the burden of being around you either. You saw how happy he was when he pranced off into the forest” “Your own parents don’t even like you.” “Your mom thinks you’re weird and a loser who can’t take care of her children.” “Your dad completely vanished because you weren’t good enough to stick around for…No one wants you, why are you even here?”

These thoughts swirled around my mind like a toxic storm, stinging with every word. I was living miracle to miracle, pouring my heart and soul into serving God, trying to live righteously, yet here I was…still at the bottom. “Why am I being punished for wanting to follow you, God? You see what I’m trying to do. Why won’t you help?…maybe I should just come up there with You.” I began to entertain the notion that leaving this world was the only way to escape my pain.

I wanted my exit to be as painless as possible, like one long peaceful nap, so I hit up Google and ChatGPT for help, but they could see through my request and urged me to seek help instead. I kept digging until I stumbled upon a way out—everything I needed was just a shipment away. I added it all to my cart and felt a huge weight lift from my spirit. The sense of control I gained from knowing I didn’t have to remain trapped in this body was enough to satiate those demons for the moment. I thought I could get away with giving up on the pact I made with God, but the very next day, it was revealed to me the true depth of what ALL-SEEING means.

That weekend, I was traveling to South Carolina and stopped to see my sister. She mentioned her Apostle was in town and I knew I was due for some love from my Heavenly Parents. I sat through the sermon anxiously waiting for a prophetic word to soothe my aching heart, but what I felt next was more like adding salt to my invisible wounds. All I heard was “Someone in this room has been dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings of rejection. “Rejection.” Hmmm. Now that makes sense. I had never attached a word to the root of this pain I felt my whole life, but there it was. In that moment, I realized the source of my struggle came from feeling rejected by my parents, by love, money, my career path, my peers, my kids, the world…and most of all I was rejecting myself.

As this revelation sank in, I was immediately overtaken by a rush of embarrassment and shame, realizing I was being called out for giving up on God in front the whole congregation. My heart raced as I tried to avoid eye contact with the Apostle, but Holy Spirit insisted I take center stage. He said a prayer over me, commanding those dark thoughts to find somewhere else to hang out and I did a walk of shame back to my seat. I couldn’t believe I was ready to give up on everything me and God were building. At that moment, it became clear: I was never truly alone, even when it felt that way. The whole time I was plotting on my return Home, God was right there with me. The pain of feeling alone, like no one understood or cared, turned out to be the fuel I would transmute into the first song of my project, Darkest Before Dawn.

Now, remember those “50” random songs I mentioned earlier? The darkness I chose to face transformed what was supposed to be a “just throw it out there” kinda thing into a story of my ascension. Darkest Before Dawn begins in total darkness as each track slowly makes its way through the day, I am expressing the highs and lows of my spiritual journey. From the burst of gratitude and deep reflection first thing in the morning with “Wake, Bake, and Meditate” to living out my highest timeline in “Grand Shit Only”, then after a long day of hard work as a superstar entertainer, I come back to reality, taking a walk to clear my mind, and get dragged into a freestyle with the homies in “No Melody”. but Even when others point out my greatness, doubt lingers as I battle with all the limited beliefs that are holding me back from answering God’s call.

By the end of the project, the night returns as I seek the strength to continue on this path to the promised land. It often felt like there was no end in sight, but as I walked in faith, my relationship with the Most High grew stronger. With each test, I learned how to surrender and trust that everything is working in my favor—even the things that don’t feel good.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. – Romans 8:28

I know my walk has not been in vain, and my testimony is meant to uplift others. So, I hope you’ll listen to my project with an open heart, feel where I’ve been, and see where I’m headed.