Have y’all ever heard this quote by Wayne Dyer, “Don’t die with your music still in you.”? Essentially it’s encouraging us to live authentically and strive to fulfill our true potential. With the “music” being all the unexpressed talents, ideas, and dreams we leave on mute because of fear and what other people expect. Hearing this concept lit a fire in me, making me want to drop and give y’all 50!…or more of the songs I created during my initiation of finding my voice…And when I say “drop,” I mean literally, raw vocals, no mixing, no mastering — Here it is! Take it or leave it.

But then, I let a producer friend take a listen, and he urged me to reconsider. “It’s 100k+ songs being put out daily…Don’t let a lack of production quality be the reason no one gives your music a chance.”

Okay, maybe my production could’ve used a little elbow grease, but I had to muster the audacity to invest in new equipment while I was knee-deep in some serious ish. As I tried to answer God’s call, the sounds of everyday life drowned out this important conversation. With money dwindling and my back against the wall, I won’t lie—my faith was starting to slip too. I thought I had it all figured out when I quit my job, telling myself, “This is either gon work, or it’s gon work.” But tripping over hurdle after hurdle, left me peeling my face off the ground and begging for a timeout.

Sidenote: Remind me to tell y’all how God orchestrated a miracle, where my apartment complex offered to let me go with no eviction and without coughing up that fifteen thousand dollars 😮🙏🏽

Okay back to the story, so after evading that eviction, I went to stay with family to take yet another breather from adulthood, hoping this would be my final lesson in the wilderness. There I was, surrounded by nothing but Mother Earth, in Middle of Nowhere, VA, feeling alone and questioning my whole existence. “Why is my life like this God? Why is it that every step I try to take forward, I end up right back where I started? After making what seemed like a neverending road trip of wrong turns, I found myself cruising right into total darkness.

Isolation has always been a central theme in my storyline. Growing up an only child and “military brat” constantly switching schools while struggling to make friends with extreme social anxiety made it really hard to obtain genuine human connection. At this moment of my journey, it felt like all of that pent-up pain came to a head.

“You have no friends, nobody wants to hang out with the broke, single mom that’s still trying to figure life out in her 30’s“, “You have no man, no one wants to love the girl who said she had Herpes, even if you feel like you’re healed, everyone thinks you made that story up so you’re still unloveable.” “Your kids are with their dad now, and he has more money than you, a house, and more support…they don’t need you, all you do is baby them anyway. They’ll be better off without you.” “Your cat just ran away, he couldn’t bare the burden of being around you either. You saw how happy he was when he pranced off into the forest” “Your own parents don’t even like you.” “Your mom thinks you’re weird and a loser who can’t take care of her children.” “Your dad completely vanished because you weren’t good enough to stick around for…No one wants you, why are you even here?”

These thoughts swirled around my mind like a toxic tornado, ripping apart my will to complete the mission. I was living miracle to miracle, pouring my heart and soul into serving God, trying to live righteously, yet here I was…still at the bottom. “Why am I being punished for wanting to follow you, God? You see what I’m trying to do. Why won’t you help?…maybe I should just come up there, then everything will be okay.” I began to entertain the notion that leaving this world was the only way to escape my pain.

To Be Continued…Join the club to get the rest of the tea, friends.

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