“MY EARTHLY DEBUT”

“Aye Lain, you performing at Club Womb tonight!” My manager shouted from up above. 

“Tonight?, I thought my day was 11/11?” 

“Na, I need you out there ASAP. It’s your time to shine.” 

I immediately jumped out the bed to prepare for my earthly debut. I had to pack, get my nails done, a pedicure and my hair did! It was so much to do! 

Later that evening right after Oprah came on, I hopped in my Uber F.O and floated through the cosmos to my destination. I pulled up to the establishment and was escorted to my dressing room… 

So y’all why was the dressing room was the size of a newborn?! I was so cramped my knees were touching my chest. There was water everywhere, I damn near drowned! “Uh unh! They bout to mess up my baby hairs. ”

 “How long are they gonna keep me in he-!” Before I could finish my sentence I found myself being dragged out of the dressing room headfirst. I was temporarily blinded by all the flashing lights.

“Must be paparazzi? No cameras please!”

As I slowly gain my vision, I can make out a mob of ppl in all white with masked faces. “Umm, I hope y’all just taking me to the VIP section.“

It turned out I was being rushed to something called the NICU.  

I could hear the masked mob talking shit about me on the way there. 

What is she doing here now? Idk she’s way too early. What should we do with her? 

Wait huh? Early? My manager told me this was my day. Y’all must be confused. 

I’m trying to explain why I’m here while they proceed to shackle me down to this plastic cell. Hold up!! Y’all need to talk to my manager. Get God on the phone! 

The owner of the club, who I now call mom, spoke to God and He explained the mixup with the dates. So they uncuffed me and here I am today performing for the world. 

It was a bumpy ride to Club womb, but needless to say, I made it out alive. 

Surviving my fashionably early entrance to Earth wouldn’t be the end of the miracles. Fast forward 29 years later, I did something those Club Womb employees would probably tell you is impossible. Y’all get this…I healed myself from an “incurable” STD.

I bet you’re wondering how tf did you do that?!? 

Wellll let me tell you how it all went down….

Let’s rewind back to January 2017. 

Coming down off the high of living in the city that never sleeps, I was eager to get back to Atlanta to try this thing called life again. My first three attempts ended in two pregnancies, countless failed pipe dreams, a drained bank account, and me running back home to mommy because I couldn’t handle being an adult yet. Georgia was kicking my ass, but I just couldn’t stay away from the Peach State. I convinced myself that I knew what I was doing this time. “Just keep your legs closed and get a job, Shalain! You got this!”  

Fourth times a charm, right?

Wrong! So what had happened was…I made my way to Georgia with the impression my kid’s dad would be joining me. After a million excuses on why he had to prolong his arrival to our new home, I decided to call it quits. Twelve years and two kids later, I realized this relationship was no longer serving me. Apparently, God had another plan for me and I wasn’t gonna stand in the way. 

Or was I?

After the split, I was left with a load of things I couldn’t keep up with. A $1200 apartment, a $500 car note…my kids that needed food, clothes, love, and every second of my life. Trying everything from working at Jimmy John’s for damn near free to almost signing my life away to the Navy, I needed to make some money fast…but I was still caught up in my daydreams of being an entrepreneur. I was taking on creative gigs that were far between and barely enough to make ends meet. Meanwhile, I was hitting the snooze button on getting a “real” job. I thought that 9-5 life was gonna kill me y’all!  

I was really living the starving artist life with my “Just Gotta Make It” head ass!

So in the midst of me trying to figure out what I need to do to turn my life around, I meet this guy and long story short…it was cool while it lasted but unfortunately there was no happy ending to this entanglement. 

It was my 26th evolution around the sun and I decided to celebrate with my “guy friend.” Now y’all know what happened next. Alexa play Jeremih “Birthday Sex” please. What started out as a night of fun quickly turned into a nightmare! 

About a week later, I remember walking to the bathroom and falling flat on my face…Splat! I was greeted by the floor as I came back to Earth, with my now leaking lip. My head was throbbing and I could barely breathe. “Oh, it’s just the flu. I need to get my ass in the bed. I’ll be fine.”, me reassuring myself that I wasn’t about to die. 

In the following days, my condition worsened. I started to notice a limp in my walk. I felt like I was being fingered with a lit match! Now I’m starting to question if this was the flu or something more severe. I had no idea what was happening to my body.

Searching for a solution, I turned to one of my best friends for help. “Girl idk wtf is going on with me. I can’t even walk!”…As we were troubleshooting my ailment, she mentions something about Herpes which sparked me to look up the symptoms.

So I click on the first link and continue to check for my demise. 

Flu-like symptoms – check 

Swollen lymph nodes (which I initially wrote off as ingrown hair) – check  

Rash inside the genital area –  *sits in front of mirror* (so that’s why I’m walking with a limp?) 

Damn…I checked off every symptom on the list for Genital Herpes. 

I don’t always entertain my google self-diagnoses, but everything seemed to be adding up a little too well.

I decided to take my ass to the ER because at this point I can’t take this pain. I ain’t care what this was, I just needed relief…quick, fast, and in a hurry! I race down to Emory Hospital and painfully waited to be called to the back. As I lay on the hospital bed spread eagle, the doctor eyes my vagina, and all I heard was “Herpes”. I zoned out after that. My life starting flashing before my eyes.  

As I’m in a daze the nurse thought she would try me and says, “See now that is why you should use condoms.” 

Seeeee??? (*Soulja Boy Voice) You bout to see these hands!! 

Like For 1. We did use a condom. And for 2. You betta mind yo damn business, lady!  

She’s lucky I was distraught because I wanted to let her have it. But I was in my feelings y’all, I couldn’t even respond. 

“WTF Shalain?! I thought the plan was to keep our legs closed?”…Herpes?!! 

I couldn’t believe it. I really fucked up this time. 

I get home that night and have a mental breakdown. I came in the house, threw my shit down, and started swinging at the air like Cuba in Boyz in the Hood. Knocking shit down off my desk and yelling at the wall like a fool. I had to release my frustration somehow lmao.

I’m switching back and forth in my head from bargaining with God to being pissed off at myself for letting another man steer me off my path. 

“I’m gonna be single forever. No one is going to want me now. I’m tainted smh”, I thought to myself. I made a vow that if God took this virus from me, the next man I sleep with will be the One. No more playing with my most valuable possession. High vibrational dick only!

So that woe is me act lasted maybe a day and a half before I was back to wanting to prove these motherfuckas wrong! I knew I had my work cut out for me, considering there was no “magic pill” for Herpes…but there was no way I was living the rest of my life like this. This was a test, and I was determined to pass it with flying colors.